As I think back to all the people who have tried to invalidate me or seek validation from me I notice a tragic irony. We often invalidate others in service of our own validation. Validating oneself at someone else’s expense is a very ugly thing to do indeed, no disciple should ever do that with it being so un-Christ-like in so many ways. For example, I was once in a relationship with a woman who interpreted so many of my actions as a breakup. From my point of view, I had to acknowledge a falsehood in order to validate her fears. In hindsight, she just couldn’t see past her own feelings. If I had thought, felt, and valued things exactly as she did; her assumptions would have been spot on. However, with my personality being so very different it wasn’t even close to accurate. So I found myself constantly defending and explaining myself, only to never be believed. Leaving me completely invalidated by her, and even less willing to consider the wounds beyond her fears that lead to those disrespectful accusations. Yet, I’m sure she was just as unwilling to see things from my point of view since I just insisted her fears were unfounded, instead of addressing her deeply rooted insecurities. Our whole relationship turned into a battle of who was right, rather than doing what was right for each other. Yet, neither of us was doing the right thing at the time, because we were making judgments on mere appearances instead of correct ones. (John 7:24) While I certainly wished I would have handled things differently, there was still no guarantee that she would have reciprocated if I had. As Matthew 7:1-5 says, we need to turn that discerning eye on self first, to equip ourselves to judge others correctly. So when validation becomes a one-way street, the lone receiver can’t necessarily see how scripture applies to them, or their own actions objectively. So one person ends up doing all the work and sacrifice to maintain the peace, making the relationship very parasitic. I wouldn’t wish such a relationship on anyone.
Ultimately, the only validation that really matters is God’s. However, it takes a very strong and mature Christian to be that impervious to the world's judgments. So we shouldn’t use that as an excuse to not lift up others along their journey. Paul definitely validated his disciples when they deserved it. Keep also in mind, that if we don’t validate the good, the world will be all too eager to validate the bad. Paul also corrected his disciples with gentleness and humility when they needed it too. (Galatians 6:1-2) A good disciple is correctable, not beyond reproach after all. Nor did Paul patronize people by rationalizing misguided actions, as we are prone to do these days in the name of validation. That only enables and magnifies self-destructive behavior. So even unconditional love must leave room for correction, even if the fragile see it as invalidating. So this all-or-nothing approach to validation and similar concepts just doesn’t work, we really need to be more discerning than that. So we can offer both grace and discipline in a Christ-like way, instead of an emotionally charged one.
So let me leave you with this. Someone who seeks validation specifically from you must respect you, or have a vested interest in you somehow. Even if their rejection sensitivity often leads to counterproductive behavior. How you treat that relationship will have an impact on all their future relationships. Don’t be the person that breaks them, and makes them think they have a right to treat others terribly because of it. Of which there are many who have just that attitude, and creating more broken people all the time. At the same time, we need to make sure we are not putting our relationships on too high of a pedestal. Where we exalt the idol of human approval more than God himself. If we keep all these points in mind we will have a healthy attitude towards validation that encourages people to embrace Christ’s healing that leads to complete holiness, instead of the world's easy path of embracing your brokenness as your true self. That they will validate for their own sake, not yours.
Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind. Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others. In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! -Philippians 2:1-8
