Soul Care

Self-care has been a big buzzword these days. I have done a few social media posts about it. My church even did a series on it, only we called it Soul Care to distinguish it from the often shallow and vain version that the world professes. But do we really understand the distinction as well as we should? I even tried writing a full blog about it that I ended up not posting because I felt as if I was missing something. Well, I think I have discovered what I was missing. Something that keeps us from living out proper soul care. A truth that really hits home, so I will waste no more time in sharing it.

We all have basic needs, and I dare say love is a basic need as well. Would scripture talk about it so much if it weren’t? It is such a driving force in so much of what we do, and we can end up doing some crazy things when we don’t get this need met. Even the Lord’s Prayer has a line about basic provision. So it’s important to know where to draw the line with self-care, and I’m starting to realize that even church people may have some terrible boundaries.

With that being said, let me add this. It is okay to be mindful of your basic needs. Granted, it is wrong to take it to parasitic levels where we resort to toxic behaviors to do so, using up people in our wake. I'm sure we all know a person like that. I even did a whole drawing series about such people years back called Emotional Vampires. Believe me, when I say, I would not have done that series if I hadn't suffered from their abuses myself.

This is where I get to what I have specifically learned. Often, when we have been victimized by such self-centered people. Especially as a child, and by a parent. We can often make a very conscious decision to not be like them. While going to the opposite extreme may seem like a good thing, it can lead to what I will call covert parasitic behavior. While covert parasites may not be willing to resort to the impatient, unkind, rude, critical, and other abusive tactics the person who wounded them did. It doesn't change the fact they still have basic needs. This often leads them to resort to more controlling, manipulative, or passive-aggressive methods; albeit unconsciously. This can be just as toxic as the blatant users are, they just delude themselves into thinking it's not.

Covert parasites are often people pleasers and approval addicts. They often give more of themselves than they have to give to buy your affection. While being giving and loving is a good thing. For the covert parasite, there is always a proverbial fishing line attached to their sacrificial giving. They are not doing what they are doing out of the pure goodness in their heart. Rather they are seeking some sort of acceptance, approval, inclusion, validation, praise, or love. Although they are technically draining themselves with these methods, they get just as frustrated and angry as anyone else when people don't bite at their hidden fishing line. They are just too afraid to say so. Their experience teaches them that expressing a need is a negative action, never recognizing it's the means and methods that were at fault, not necessarily the intent. Eventually, they will reach their limit and blow up on all the people they love. Granted they will feel genuinely guilty about it. Since they think they have started channeling the person they are trying to avoid being like. Only to start the same cycle yet again. 

So if any of this sounds familiar, I would suggest that you take a long hard look at yourself and your motivations. Are you really doing what you are doing for them, or are you secretly seeking reciprocation? Are you giving what you yourself need because you feel guilty about asking for it plainly? This is a classic example of what I refer to as opposite extremism. The opposite of crazy is often just insane. Choosing the way of the covert parasite is just that, insane. While the covert parasite is not willfully or intentionally trying to hurt anyone. In the end, it still happens. Can you in good conscience continue with this pattern now that you realize the truth?

Do you see now how being mindful of your basic needs, can actually be the adult and responsible thing to do? As well as be easier and less stressful for everyone involved in the long run.

Easy to define, not so easy to overcome. Covert parasites can often be chameleons, becoming what they believe will give them the love and approval that they are looking for. So they often do not have a good sense of self nor do they have a good grasp on their emotions. So they have a hard time defining or even putting their needs into words. All they have ever done is broadcast their abstract anxiety after all. Putting the burden of discernment of their emotions on the other person. It's unfair and unrealistic to expect other people to understand the incoherent feelings of the covert parasite better than they themselves do.

The thing is; we can't really serve others in a healthy way, as Christ called us to if we are covertly serving our own needs with said actions. So the irony of it all is, sometimes we got to focus on our own wholeness and spiritual well-being before we can truly be good disciples. Are you willing to consider that possibility?

If any of you lacks wisdom, you should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to you. -James 1:5

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. -Romans 12:9

The Visual PARABLEist