One thing is evident in this apparent rift in the unmarried community. Both sides of this proverbial gender war are bound and determined to make the opposite side solely responsible for everything, while accepting no responsibility at all. Which is not realistic. Nor is it consistent with what the disciple is called to do. Correct self first and foremost, then lead by example. (Matthew 7:1-6)
The average church's response tends to be as it always is anymore. Start at the perceived end, and work backwards. Missing all the gateway truths you will need to actually make that journey towards holiness. In the case of single people, it sounds like “just get married, then you will be welcome into our family-centric community. Until then, you've got to figure it out for yourself.”
Consider this. The Bible does not say as much about gender “ROLES” as tradition would have you believe. Most of these roles originated in ancient times when it made sense for men to do the more dangerous work, leaving the less dangerous work for women. But everyone did have to work to ensure their own survival. Technology has made much of that less necessary, creating more leisure time than ever. Which has only bred dissatisfaction, ironically enough. Yet many are still trying to stick the square peg of convention into an elliptical hole of the contemporary world. So we are all a little lost on how relationships should look and function these days. While we should make room for a dialogue about this, most are only monologging “my way or no way.” Hence the growing unmarried demographic.
However, scripture does have much to say about marriage and family in general. (Ephesians 5:21-33, Colossians 3:18-25) Yet there are three ways to read these famous passages.
1. Focus on the responsibility that you are meant to fulfill.
2. Focus on what you’re entitled to receive from the other side.
3. Envy what the other side is meant to receive.
How you read these passages really says a lot about the state of your heart. In a perfect world, we could all do our part without keeping score, and nobody would be without. But this world is far from perfect, so natural givers tend to be used and ruined. This is why so many resort to these lesser approaches. Only focusing on what you’re entitled to shows that you just want to take and not give. That detail in itself invalidates love. Envy isn’t much better. Like so many things, there is a privilege side and a responsibility side. To envy the privilege, but not accept the responsibility, makes you covetous. Which is not behavior becoming of a disciple. Covetous takers who shirk their responsibilities and don’t reciprocate have no right to demand anything. Yet they are, but people are learning to not waste their time starting relationships with them. Hence the decline in marriage.
Which gets to the heart of the issue, not just the symptom. A world full of covetous takers leaves many damaged people in its wake. So much of what we do stems from dealing with these scars. Always wanting emotional painkillers to cover up our aches. As well as a safe place that won’t ever trigger our wounds. Yet we want to maintain the right to vent with impatience, unkindness, and rudeness. We’re looking to our relationships to produce this imbalanced environment for us with the intent of forever avoiding facing our own brokenness. This is a very poor environment for a healthy relationship. Few want to admit this, despite the havoc it’s wreaking on our community.
So it’s no wonder so many people have gotten so hesitant with relationships. Our toxic self-centered approach makes them more likely to break us than make us. We are more apt to lose ourselves than find ourselves within them. So I don’t even blame them for it, even if so many others do, including church people.
“The disciples said to him, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry.” -Matthew 19:10 NIV
Again, the church is hesitant to address this issue directly. So we just lean on the whitewash of tradition as we have been. This only contributes to the mess we're in. As well as producing diminishing returns in the harvest. We are only sealing our own doom by ignoring it.
