First, how is the faith community supposed to help and support one another if they have no idea how their stories intersect after all? We can't, at least not beyond a very generic surface way. So that often translates to, we don't.
The last time I had given my testimony before this, it was just a more detailed version of part two below. I hadn't discerned the trigger of my choices, or the ramifications of the scars left behind. This brings up another issue, it seems like so many believers never get past that initial glory of salvation. They don't always continue to work out their salvation and add additional chapters to their story. Yet, it seems like so many live out their lives in quiet desperation as they try to maintain their clean slates, never adding anything beautiful to it. How are we supposed to delight and inspire the lost with stagnation? Again, more often than not, we don't.
Also, maybe the reason music has become such a big deal in the church is that they are sometimes mini testimonies. Musicians are the ones actually sharing their stories, which can be far more relatable than mere definition-based teaching. The Bible itself is composed of more stories that testify to the truth than systematic doctrine after all. Why don't we follow that example? So maybe the overemphasis on music lately isn't only about entertainment as people accuse. Instead, it is sometimes a response to the neglect of the practice of testimony in the church. As I type this, I have not seen anyone else who has stepped up to the online challenge of sharing their story as I had. Maybe there have been in other circles beyond my sight. Then again maybe this is yet another symptom of social media. The toxicity of it all has made us all that more reluctant to open ourselves up to that level of vulnerability. To this, I must say, much study has been put into the act of vulnerability. The consensus is that most find it a very attractive trait, in others at least. We never see it that way in ourselves, we tend to see it as a dangerous risk when it's our heart on the line. So for those of us in the church, it really is an act of faith. Not that I am saying there is no danger, there will always be those people who betray said trusts. They only expose their true faces by doing so, and we as the church should not encourage the behavior of gossips, busybodies, and naysayers. (Proverbs 11:12-13, 2nd Thessalonians 2:11-13)
It has definitely been a cathartic experience just taking the time to write it all out. Often, our stories are just a collection of abstract notions and feelings. Things have come into a far sharper focus of understanding by putting it into actual words. This can be key to moving forward again. So I would challenge you to do the same even if you are not ready to share it just yet. With that being said, you never know how your story may touch the life of another until you put it out there.
 |
| In a way all my art is a piece of my story, not all make the connection. |
The Visual PARABLEeist
Here are the original posts from my FB page.
Chapter 1 - Soon, after my parent's divorce: my mother, younger brother, and I moved into a new house. We hadn't even gotten past the entryway when my little brother asked, "When are we going home?"
Then my mother said, "We are home sweetheart."
So Jason said, "I mean with dad."
My mother started to cry at that moment.
My father wasn't even in the room, and he managed to hurt the two most important people in my life. I was determined to not let that happen to me. So this ended up being the final straw in the emotional disconnect from my father. While he would continue to disappoint me plenty, he no longer had the power to hurt me. While in that sense it had been a good day, in another it was a terrible day. I say that because I had nobody to guide me into manhood. When a child tries to initiate himself into manhood, it's inevitably going to be immature and misguided. I assure you it was.
Chapter 2 — My spiritual upbringing was rather sporadic as a child. There were times we bounced back and forth between churches, others where we didn’t hardly go at all. While I did get baptized, it really didn’t resonate with me, it was just something everybody did it seemed.
I tend to be a curious and philosophical person, even as a teen. So I was looking into a lot of alternative ideas at the time. Many of them were rather dark. In retrospect, I was likely trying to find my strength, and a sense of control, as most men tend to. However, this was a very scary and out-of-control time for me. I was certainly astute enough to walk away from all that darkness eventually, but that was easier said than done. I was still so full of hate and anger that nearly every emotion I had was negative. I was barely able to keep it all bottled in.
My lifesaver came via a guy named Aaron, it was his witness that got me to reconsider Christianity. His words had weight for the simple fact that his story was relatable. (Imagine that) While I was starting to see the value in it, I was hesitant to go there myself, having had such bad experiences recently. Then came the day the words “What are you waiting for?” echoed in my head. I had no answer, so I finally let go of my hesitance and took the proverbial leap. All the negativity within me just melted away in an instant.
Even with the relief of such an incredible deliverance, this was but the beginning of my story. I still had to get past what I now call “Common knowledge Christianity” to find the more detailed answers that I needed. So I finally was able to direct my spiritually curious nature to constructive use. I also needed to identify and face the scars that were left behind.
Chapter 3 — My father only taught me one thing about being a man, that I didn't measure up in his eyes. It seemed as if I had so many strikes against me in that sense. You are terrible at sports, that is not manly. You are highly introverted, that is not manly. You have fair skin and blond curly hair, that is not manly. You like art, that is not manly. The constant criticism left me wanting to dis-identify with this one-dimensional Homer Simpson definition of masculinity, not submit to their disapproval. Pair that with previously mentioned experiences of self-initiation, how could manhood not be toxic in my eyes. At least the church just expects you to be a nice guy, right.
I would definitely not follow my dad's example of earning lots of money, buying a fancy house, and car to be the envy of everyone. The by-product of that was that he hopped from wife to wife, frequently. All this left a long trail of hurt behind him. While he might have been oblivious to the damage done, I was not, even if I wasn't one of his direct victims. Yet, he projected that expectation on me all the way to the end, even on his deathbed.
So I carried on seeking what I couldn't put my finger on but wasn't ready to face yet.
Chapter 4 – Going into my twenties and beyond I had a fractured sense of identity. Not that I was consciously aware of it at the time. That didn't stop it from affecting every aspect of my life. It all seemed to become the most painfully obvious through my relationship with RC. As terrible as that experience was, it was necessary. I say that because that is what got me to reconsider my false assumptions about many things that I had never questioned before. (Just doing the opposite of what those who failed did is not a good strategy.) So what was I to do about this incongruence though? Trying to talk to common knowledge Christians who have never been challenged or questioned anything before proved fruitless. But, true to my curious introvert nature, my books became my teachers. Specifically, John Eldridge's Fathered by God & Gordon Dalby's Healing the masculine soul. They taught me what I was missing was something I had unconsciously rejected. Also, I didn't have to conform to the world's stereotypical one-dimensional archetype of a man. Nor did I have to become the Ned Flanders nice guy church stereotype either. Instead, a true man of God was meant to have more dimension than both of them. (See my Warrior, Poet, and King video on YouTube for a more detailed description of that.) This ended up being as defining a moment as my deliverance, it just happened to take place over a series of many moments this time. My own personal exodus through the desert if you will.
Part 5 — The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. (Their father) Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau. . . Genesis 25:27-28a
This verse could have been written about my little brother and me. So I really do identify with Jacob, including that scene in chapter 28 where God recognized Jacob as the true heir of the promise of Abraham. But for me, it's more about God doing what Jacob's natural father should have willfully done. I dare say I have done my fair share of wrestling with God as well, mostly over my assumptions and misconceptions. Sometimes a proverbial body slam is what it takes to wake us up.
Through it all, my constant search for more specific answers seemed to always lead me into the role of a teacher within the church. I never sought that, I couldn't help fall into it.
Although the world and sometimes even the church doesn't always value my talents in art, I know God does. So the world's approval is no longer my concern. I have even found ways to incorporate art into my teaching. This eventually lead to my Visual Parables online ministry.
My former church's demise might have even played a role in my transformation. Over that 3 year period of no full-time pastor, I had to step up and be the man I always avoided becoming. Not that I know how to apply it all yet, but I still have more stories to write. As it's been said, there is a difference between knowing a path, and following a path. I would never have chosen the paths I ended up on, but they still took me just where I needed to be.
Chapter 1 - Soon, after my parent's divorce: my mother, younger brother, and I moved into a new house. We hadn't even gotten past the entryway when my little brother asked, "When are we going home?"
Then my mother said, "We are home sweetheart."
So Jason said, "I mean with dad."
My mother started to cry at that moment.
My father wasn't even in the room, and he managed to hurt the two most important people in my life. I was determined to not let that happen to me. So this ended up being the final straw in the emotional disconnect from my father. While he would continue to disappoint me plenty, he no longer had the power to hurt me. While in that sense it had been a good day, in another it was a terrible day. I say that because I had nobody to guide me into manhood. When a child tries to initiate himself into manhood, it's inevitably going to be immature and misguided. I assure you it was.
Chapter 2 — My spiritual upbringing was rather sporadic as a child. There were times we bounced back and forth between churches, others where we didn’t hardly go at all. While I did get baptized, it really didn’t resonate with me, it was just something everybody did it seemed.
I tend to be a curious and philosophical person, even as a teen. So I was looking into a lot of alternative ideas at the time. Many of them were rather dark. In retrospect, I was likely trying to find my strength, and a sense of control, as most men tend to. However, this was a very scary and out-of-control time for me. I was certainly astute enough to walk away from all that darkness eventually, but that was easier said than done. I was still so full of hate and anger that nearly every emotion I had was negative. I was barely able to keep it all bottled in.
My lifesaver came via a guy named Aaron, it was his witness that got me to reconsider Christianity. His words had weight for the simple fact that his story was relatable. (Imagine that) While I was starting to see the value in it, I was hesitant to go there myself, having had such bad experiences recently. Then came the day the words “What are you waiting for?” echoed in my head. I had no answer, so I finally let go of my hesitance and took the proverbial leap. All the negativity within me just melted away in an instant.
Even with the relief of such an incredible deliverance, this was but the beginning of my story. I still had to get past what I now call “Common knowledge Christianity” to find the more detailed answers that I needed. So I finally was able to direct my spiritually curious nature to constructive use. I also needed to identify and face the scars that were left behind.
Chapter 3 — My father only taught me one thing about being a man, that I didn't measure up in his eyes. It seemed as if I had so many strikes against me in that sense. You are terrible at sports, that is not manly. You are highly introverted, that is not manly. You have fair skin and blond curly hair, that is not manly. You like art, that is not manly. The constant criticism left me wanting to dis-identify with this one-dimensional Homer Simpson definition of masculinity, not submit to their disapproval. Pair that with previously mentioned experiences of self-initiation, how could manhood not be toxic in my eyes. At least the church just expects you to be a nice guy, right.
I would definitely not follow my dad's example of earning lots of money, buying a fancy house, and car to be the envy of everyone. The by-product of that was that he hopped from wife to wife, frequently. All this left a long trail of hurt behind him. While he might have been oblivious to the damage done, I was not, even if I wasn't one of his direct victims. Yet, he projected that expectation on me all the way to the end, even on his deathbed.
So I carried on seeking what I couldn't put my finger on but wasn't ready to face yet.
Chapter 4 – Going into my twenties and beyond I had a fractured sense of identity. Not that I was consciously aware of it at the time. That didn't stop it from affecting every aspect of my life. It all seemed to become the most painfully obvious through my relationship with RC. As terrible as that experience was, it was necessary. I say that because that is what got me to reconsider my false assumptions about many things that I had never questioned before. (Just doing the opposite of what those who failed did is not a good strategy.) So what was I to do about this incongruence though? Trying to talk to common knowledge Christians who have never been challenged or questioned anything before proved fruitless. But, true to my curious introvert nature, my books became my teachers. Specifically, John Eldridge's Fathered by God & Gordon Dalby's Healing the masculine soul. They taught me what I was missing was something I had unconsciously rejected. Also, I didn't have to conform to the world's stereotypical one-dimensional archetype of a man. Nor did I have to become the Ned Flanders nice guy church stereotype either. Instead, a true man of God was meant to have more dimension than both of them. (See my Warrior, Poet, and King video on YouTube for a more detailed description of that.) This ended up being as defining a moment as my deliverance, it just happened to take place over a series of many moments this time. My own personal exodus through the desert if you will.
Part 5 — The boys grew up, and Esau became a skillful hunter, a man of the open country, while Jacob was content to stay at home among the tents. (Their father) Isaac, who had a taste for wild game, loved Esau. . . Genesis 25:27-28a
This verse could have been written about my little brother and me. So I really do identify with Jacob, including that scene in chapter 28 where God recognized Jacob as the true heir of the promise of Abraham. But for me, it's more about God doing what Jacob's natural father should have willfully done. I dare say I have done my fair share of wrestling with God as well, mostly over my assumptions and misconceptions. Sometimes a proverbial body slam is what it takes to wake us up.
Through it all, my constant search for more specific answers seemed to always lead me into the role of a teacher within the church. I never sought that, I couldn't help fall into it.
Although the world and sometimes even the church doesn't always value my talents in art, I know God does. So the world's approval is no longer my concern. I have even found ways to incorporate art into my teaching. This eventually lead to my Visual Parables online ministry.
My former church's demise might have even played a role in my transformation. Over that 3 year period of no full-time pastor, I had to step up and be the man I always avoided becoming. Not that I know how to apply it all yet, but I still have more stories to write. As it's been said, there is a difference between knowing a path, and following a path. I would never have chosen the paths I ended up on, but they still took me just where I needed to be.
No comments:
Post a Comment