Wholeness: Fear

Once I heard someone equate selfishness with fear. Initially, that seemed like a stretch to me. However, after thinking about it, I started to see their point. For example, shopaholics are often trying to provoke the feeling of being loved. Underneath it all, they fear that nobody will love them so they are trying to love themselves by gifting to self. Narcissism often starts with a fear that nobody will respect and admire them the way they feel they deserve. So they embark on attempts to control and manipulate the people around them to create the illusion of superiority.

I once knew a very compulsive person, as opposed to an obsessive one, although we often lump them together, there are a few differences. Specifically, compulsive people are the ones constantly checking locks, double and triple-checking if they left the stove on, things like that. This person was so bad that she would take candles and their curling iron with them on trips to the store for assurance. The thing is compulsive people do the same thing with their relationships because they are needing continuous affirmation. So they are constantly fishing for signs that you still love them. If you overlook the bait or don't respond the way they think you should, you will encounter a very strong fear response. Being in a relationship with such a person was very overwhelming for an introvert like me. I often longed for another opportunity to tell her how wrong and selfish she was to treat me the way she did. Now, that I see her as a fearful person, and not so much as a self-centered one, her lack of wholeness is far more apparent. I understand that all her unkind behavior was a misguided attempt to create wholeness for herself in her own strength. So that, desire for retaliation has eased off.

Is there a self-centered person in your life that you judge very two-dimensionally? Maybe people accuse you of being selfish, but you just don't understand why. Consider the fact that all these seemingly selfish behaviors are attempts to alleviate fear. They really do go far deeper than we give them credit. Irrational fears in such cases are but a symptom of brokenness. Such people really need to seek the source of the fear, not just appease the negative feelings themselves. Otherwise, they will never find true wholeness.

The Spirit you received does not make you slaves, so that you live in fear again; rather, the Spirit you received brought about your adoption to sonship. And by him we cry, “Abba, Father.” -Romans 8:15

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time. Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you. -1st Peter 5:6-7

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